I’ve gained a little weight. Not much, just 4 or 5 pounds, but when you’re on a weight loss journey, it’s disappointing to see any gains at all. It’s my own fault (of course, how could it be anyone else’s?). I’ve been using emotions as an excuse to binge out on chips (two nights ago), chipotle (three times in the last month), donuts (last week), and every day this week – candy and/or a cookie. This is not a good type of gain.
Since my last IMPACT group ended, I’ve started trying to get back to the gym more consistently. I didn’t perform my best in my last group. I gained weight, I lost strength, I barely wanted to show up. But I did show up, and that got me at least 2 workouts in a week, and I went to most weekend workouts, so I managed three. But that’s a bare effort, and when I was there I sandbagged and didn’t really engage with anyone. I’m trying to fix that. This week, I went on Tuesday, Thursday, and I’ll go today and tomorrow and Sunday. Next week, I’ll go every day. I’m also noticing that for the last three weeks or so, I run out of juice about halfway or three quarters of the way through my workout. I get weak and sometimes light-headed. I’m sure it’s due to the part where I’m not eating well. But part of me dreads the idea that this can also be hormonal. I am 45, after all.
Finding my new routine is harder than I thought it would be. I get up every morning at 5:30am, which is at least an hour earlier than before, and I basically just pull on shorts and a sweatshirt and hop in the car. I pack my bags the night before, so I can leave by 6am. My teeth get brushed, Oliver gets to pee and eat breakfast, and that’s it, I’m on the road. I’m listening to Nerdist podcasts to pass the time while driving. I shower in the locker room at work.
My after-work routine is all over the map. Some days, I went home early. But then, I’m not comfortable at “home” really yet, not for extended hours, so I’d go window shopping or to the movies to pass time before going home. My roommates are such nice people, and I really do enjoy them. I’m just not used to always having people around, and it’s hard for me to relax. So mostly, I go home and take Oliver out a little, heat up something for dinner (or worse, pick something up on the way home) and then go to bed. I spend a lot of time in my bed. I watch tv in bed. I read in bed. I fart around on my phone in bed.
The other day, I wrote my cousin Kjersti and said, “hey, think if I come over there to live, we can find me a nice norwegian man to marry?” and I was only half kidding. Then, I wrote her again and said maybe we should start with another trip over for a vacation, and we can take some road trips and see some new fjords, mountains, and coast-lines. She likes that idea too.
I did this whole “roommates” thing to pay off my debt. I’ve been living there a month, and I’d paid off the small credit card, and then Oliver had dental problems and I charged that card right back up again to pay for it. So, a month in and I’ve got nothing to show for it. Well, except I bought myself a new backpack and two new pair of shoes. And I got to buy my shampoo and conditioner that I like so much, but wasn’t buying before because it’s a little pricier.
Which brings me to vacations and dreams. Besides paying off my debt, I also want to save up and take a vacation. A real vacation, with airplanes and hotels and rental cars and public transit and walking around exploring and eating food, and window shopping and seeing new places and people and cultures, and museums, and parks and, breathing. Just, breathing. This feels like such a selfish thing to want to do. Like it shouldn’t be a priority at all, not with this much debt and the goal of paying it off. Like I’m not supposed to want or do anything else until that’s done. But I really need a getaway. I do. Yeah, that’s a “rich people” problem. I know there are people who could never afford it, who don’t even dream of it because it’s that far from possible… I know this is a self-indulgent desire. But I still want it. And I need it to be okay that I want it, and I need it to be okay that I do it. Okay with who? Who’s allowed to judge me for this? No one. No one is allowed to, and yet, I sit here in judgement of myself, comparing my circumstances to those I’ve imagined for other people. Just shut up, Kim. Shut up and go on your vacation, and enjoy it. FOR PETE’S SAKE.
In June, I need to pay off that credit card again and then put it away. In a box, buried in my closet, so it doesn’t get used again. That’s the goal for June.
Goals for June:
- Pay off the Visa
- Take an overnight trip to Calistoga and have a mud bath
- Workout with intention and energy 4-5 times per week
- 1 Chipotle (per month, ongoing. can’t eliminate it, don’t want to, but I can make it a treat instead of a regular.)
- no more buying candy, cookies, or chips. I get sour patch kids and popcorn at the movies, that’s IT.
- write more, do more art
Maybe even get comfortable enough at my new place to hang out there, “at home”.